


OUAT Diaries

by AMeetingEngagement



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Very Secret Diary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-23
Updated: 2013-05-22
Packaged: 2017-12-09 07:24:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/771580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AMeetingEngagement/pseuds/AMeetingEngagement
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rumbelle in the style of Bridget Jones's Diary (and/or the Very Secret Diaries). Total irreverence.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rumpelstiltskin (Part I)

**Author's Note:**

> There might be some references to some of my favorite Rumbelle fic in these. If you recognize them, only flattery is intended!

Dear diary,

Off to Avonlea. Great big ogre problem, desperate kingdom, all the gold in the treasury coffers for my aid, the usual drivel. Haven't been out in ages so will be an excellent chance to show off new spiky felted scarf, even if I have no interest in saving some miserable little duchy from their infestation. Also feeling urge to practice double entendres.

* * *

Dear diary,

Appear to have acquired housekeeper. No sodding idea what to do with her, as Dark Castle cleans itself. In hindsight, was perhaps slightly distracted by low-cut ballgown during dealing.

* * *

Dear diary,

Housekeeper will take some training up. Cannot have her dropping the flatware every time I mention exploding fairies, melting witches, skinning children, etc etc. Also is complete nightmare at cooking and laundering due to impractical noble upbringing - several pairs of leather trousers now suspiciously small and last attempt at stew tasted of bleach.

* * *

Dear diary,

Bloody hell. Housekeeper has let prisoner out of dungeon. Rotten little thief ran off with my best fairy wand and arrow temporarily ruined my favorite leather vest. Having housekeeper is starting to become detrimental to my wardrobe. Must impress her with evilness & cruelty immediately as she seems unintimidated by such gestures as throwing bloodied apron at feet.

* * *

Dear diary,

Plan to intimidate housekeeper has failed, since despite lovely demonstration of tongue-stealing skill, did not actually shoot thief when had opportunity. Obviously spell on magic bow is deteriorating and own archery skills are rusty. Also further distracted by totally unexpected hug from housekeeper, who does not seem afraid of me at all.

As punishment for meddling in affairs, have given housekeeper library to maintain. Pleased with self for idea as have noticed housekeeper’s allergy to dust. Will definitely make her miserable.

* * *

 


	2. Rumpelstiltskin (Part II)

Dear diary,

Giving housekeeper library may have been tactical error as she now thinks entire castle needs attention. And wants take down my curtains. MY CURTAINS. As if it wasn't enough that she's swept away all the cobwebs and oiled the creaks out of all the doors, now she wants to let sun in! Totally inappropriate for Dark Castle, as it defeats the purpose of the name. Will have to have stern talk with her. Perhaps will threaten with slughood.

* * *

Dear diary,

Talk unsuccessful, as did not happen. Curtains and housekeeper nearly ended up on floor together - who climbs ladders in shoes like that? Belle unharmed, though had never noticed before just how nice she smells. Completely distracted from appalling appearance of own skin in direct sunlight.

Damn. Have called housekeeper by name. Knew I shouldn't have given her that gown...

* * *

Dear diary,

Utterly baffled by Belle. Could have had tall, handsome knight, instead insists life is better in Dark Castle. Knight chose that moment to appear and front gate and issue usual threats, demands, etc. Decided at last moment to forgo usual snail-spell and turn into much more appealing rose instead - excellent decision, as Belle has fondness for roses. Cannot say whether her former fiance will have full use of his legs upon disenchantment, however don't much care as am still in shock over opening up to housekeeper over past.

She couldn't possibly be attracted to me. Too terrified to ask outright - will offer escape route instead as test of affection.

* * *

Dear diary,

Belle has come back. Must act calm and collected - will not do for Dark One to be seen acting giddy. Although somewhat suspect have completely ruined reputation by this point, as have not tortured, dismembered, or transfigured anyone in months.

Maintain gravitas. Stay calm. OhsevenhellsishetouchingmylegwhatdoIdonow...

* * *

Dear diary,

Disaster. Will never become involved with housekeepers, apprentices, or females of any persuasion again.

Good thing magic makes it completely unnecessary to have housekeeper as have just destroyed much of the Great Hall.

* * *

Dear diary,

Unwisely had conversation with Regina, whose clothing and hair are approaching new heights of ridiculousness (literally). Was not enough to distract self from inquiring after Belle. V. bad idea.

At least I still have her cup.


	3. Rumpelstiltskin (Part III)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For more information on the ninja sheep training method, see this post by Nym (http://nym-picspam.tumblr.com/post/24327377837/robert-carlyle-as-rumpelstiltskin-once-upon-a) and this snippet by Ru (http://rufeepeach.tumblr.com/post/32195228083/grandpa-gold-and-daddy-charming-argue-over-sheep)

Dear diary,

King George has managed to break lovely son I obtained from sheep farmer years back. Whiny explanation about needing son to rid kingdom of troublesome dragon so Midas will provide gold. Was not about to suggest that would be easier to make new deal directly with self to rid kingdom of dragon, as will be far more entertaining if Midas bungles another gold-making attempt. (Have been back to his kingdom multiple times to disenchant stable-boys, maids, favorite horse, daughter, etc..)

Also, retrieving backup prince from farm will be fine chance to see how ninja-sheep combat training method is coming along.

* * *

Dear diary,

Another fairy wand for the collection! King George very obliging about location of fairy godmother after delivery of spare prince. Cinderella somewhat put off by exploding godmother but quickly recovered when mentioned ability to provide dress, coach, tickets to exclusive ball, etc. Standard firstborn child contract - perpetuating antiquated tradition but not really interested in firstborn so much as setting greater plan in motion. Ballgown was complete success except may have erred with glass shoes, as Cinderella unable to climb into carriage or indeed cross flat level ground without upset.

* * *

Dear diary,

Snow White is really much more entertaining when evil. Since providing her with love-dampening potion after her failure to convince King George that she would be an appropriate mate for prince replacement, have heard rumors from forest creatures about bluebird’s close call with broom, so am hoping for similar outbursts to watch in scrying mirror. Must figure out way to speed up process of reuniting her with the sheep farmer as have not got unlimited amount of time to wait for him to figure out situation on his own. Ninja sheep training excellent for developing combat skills but less useful for wooing fair maidens.

Must remember not to mention ‘fair maiden’ in Snow White’s presence, as will likely provoke further broom-wielding outbursts.

* * *

Dear diary,

Evil Snow White definitely much more interesting than find-kindness-and-love-in-hearts-of-all Snow White of past. Have sent her off with magical bow obtained from miserable thief last year. Former sheep farmer now actually calling self Prince Charming (ghastly nickname, puts one in mind of musical theater) and has decided to ‘cure’ Snow of current heartlessness. Given bloodthirsty nature of New Evil Snow White, more likely that she will attempt to make it unnecessary for Charming to worry about minor relationship troubles.

Have neglected to inform Snow White of spotty track record of magical bow.

* * *

Dear diary,

Blasted sheep farmer. Got self captured by Regina and prompted newly-not-evil-Snow to accept poison apple sleeping spell. Fortunately as spell is ridiculously easy to break, is only necessary to locate Prince Charming and nudge in right direction.

* * *

Dear diary,

Am through with nudging, especially when involves sword fights in excessively damp forests and whining about marvelous wardrobe I’ve provided for the grand kiss-breaking reunion. “Is red really my color? Are you sure it’s not too much lace? Hey, that’s my ring!” Would have been totally logical for Prince Charming to inquire with Snow White’s housemates - also entire woodland creature population - as to whereabouts of conspicuous glass coffin, but nooo, blundering about in Endless Forest is an excellent alternative. He’d probably end up in Agrabah if I hadn’t enchanted that damn ring.

* * *

Dear diary,

All going along swimmingly at last. Snow White in love with Prince Charming again, has regained castle, returned to benevolent rule of her kingdom, yaddah yaddah. Also, Regina soo predictable. Given chance to redeem self in eyes of do-gooder hero types, attempts murder even though has been explicitly warned will result in disaster. Now thinks that only way to beat Snow White’s protection spell is to cast curse transporting kingdoms to different world - v. good, as exactly what is needed to continue search for Baelfire. (Curse requires heart of thing one loves most, and would be problematic to remove and destroy own heart.)

* * *

Dear diary,

Self-incarceration plan involving Cinderella, magic squid ink stolen from Dark Castle by Blue Fairy (hah! thought I wouldn’t notice presence of glowing jellyfish-shaped flying creature trailing glitter all over my lovely cobwebs) has gone of splendidly. New accommodations in dungeons of Snow White’s castle leave something to be desired in terms of comfort - humid atmosphere is not good for my skin - but am amusing self with disconcerting acrobatics, maniacal cackling and so on.

Guards are somewhat less amused, judging by worm-infested daily rations.

* * *

Dear diary,

Regina proving to be more incompetent than previously thought. On being told that curse required heart of thing one loved most, used heart of favorite riding horse. Naturally curse did not work. Came running to cell for my advice, so used chance to negotiate comfort, riches for self in new world. Have no intention of spending twenty-eight years waiting for Savior as another of Regina’s bootlickers - have already seen Huntsman reduced to role of lapdog or other equally useless decorative pet.

* * *

Dear diary,

Day #10,220 of curse. Have just woken up to suburban hell. Never realized how utterly lacking in imagination former apprentice is. Regina seems to think she is extremely clever making psychoanalyzing cricket into town shrink, Cinderella into dry-cleaning drudge, basket-delivering Red Riding Hood into diner waitress, etc.

Can only hope that Emma Swan is quick to catch on. Found self wearing combination of excellent designer suit with checked shirt reminiscent of picnic blanket. Also my house, despite being large and luxurious, is pink. Regina will pay for this.


End file.
